Sad and Happy

Have you ever been really sad but really happy at the same time? I encountered just such an emotional contradiction the other day in the context of my working life. Sometimes I look at my scheduler and know exactly who is coming into the office and other times I am surprised by the "unexpected" patient. On this particular day I was getting to the end of my day and had gone through a crazy day with so many walk ins as well as challenging patients. I had just finished with a patient and had wandered out of my office to pick up my next patient file when standing in front of me was a young woman that had a big smile on her face along side her mother. The young woman's comment upon seeing me was that I hadn't changed at all. As recognition registered in my head I was flooded with happiness to see before me a young woman that had come into my office 12 years earlier as a six year old that had just had severe Meningitis. At that time I had diagnosed a profound reduction in hearing and had recommended immediate cochlear implantation. I remember the emotional whirlwind that ensued as we tried to get everything in place for this child to be given the greatest chance. This child was just such a success story from the moment of her implantation but it was a child that I lost touch with as a result. I did hear a little bit here and there but she really did not need me any longer.

Here now in front of me was a beautiful young woman   that I couldn't help but seeing as a six year old. As I caught up with this young woman it was with great sadness that I heard her open up and reveal the immense challenges that she had faced in life. I heard a tale of self doubt of social isolation of an ensuing eating disorder and self destructive behaviour, a child that had volunteered herself to become a ward of the province at a young age. Now here stood before me a child that had come full circle reconnecting with her family trying desperately to get her life straight. While I am not naive enough to think that all of these struggles were purely due to her loss of hearing I do know with certainity that the loss of hearing did play a major role in many of these areas.

As I talked to this young woman about being caught between the world of the deaf and the world of the hearing  more than a few tears were shed by both of us. This brilliant beautiful young womans greatest ambition was actually rather simple, she wanted a life of certainity a life where she could have consistent expectations of her day to day existence. While I saw before me potential that had not been yet met her aspirations did not exceed the simple. The really copnfusing element for this girl was the fact that she had maintained perfect articulation and strong language skills which allowed her to come across as "normal" while internally she faced the stresses of functioning like a deaf person unable to "get " the inferred or concepts that are not concrete. This was a girl that was just so happy to have made a friend in the recent past with the realization that this was not a given in her life. The discussion we had surrounded her ability to connect better with the young since the young had no age appropiate expecation of her and allowed her to lead rather than follow. Leading has been so much easier for her given that this allows her to define the topics in conversation and create context.

Our conversation was a lenghthy one but allowed her to hear me tell her why she had felt the way she had for most of her life and to tell her that this was not out of the realm of the expected. It appeared as if a burden had been lifted the more we spoke.

I left my office so saddened to think of the struggles that this child had faced and wished that her life might have been different. I was however just so overjoyed to have reconnected with this young woman with the hope of staying in touch being able to help her atleast understand that what she is going through is understood by another.