A long time ago I had to make a decision as to the profession that would occupy my future. Being an immigrant meant that my parents had a focus on improving our lives with the focal point being education. My parents themselves are well educated but they wanted more for my brother and I. The educational destiny chosen for me was that of a Medical Doctor. As the reality of this choice confronted me as a young undergrad I was faced with the reality that this professional choice would mean that the decisions I made could impact life and death. I could not bring myself at that time choose to pursue a profession that carried with it that kind of responsibility or burden. My heart didn't feel capable of dealing with patients where life and death was in the balance knowing my propensity for emotional attachment. In my naivety, I chose a profession that I thought was immune to such matters of the heart.
In the last couple of weeks, I have seen the passing of several patients who have also been my friends. Oscar was a man that bounded into my clinic about 6 years ago. Oscar was a man full of energy with a story to tell. Actually Oscar had many stories to tell. I can say with certainty that the vast majority of the time Oscar spent in my clinic was spent talking and sharing. Sometimes we talked about his families history of escaping slavery through the "underground railroad", sometimes we talked of his tough teenage years and dealing with the consequences, sometimes we talked about how a black man ended up in a town where he was the exception. Oscar shared real stories of real struggles but always with the theme being that of overcoming. When Oscar fell ill and had to have a lung removed, the story he told was one of overcoming. When Oscar found trouble in his relationships, the stories he told were of overcoming. The man chose happiness over despair. It was always with a smile on his face and a step always just a fraction away from dancing that Oscar chose to live his life. Two years ago Oscar was given the news that the Cancer was back, Oscar was ready to fight. We have an amazing event that raises money for Cancer treatment in our community called the "Relay for Life". I was attending this event two years ago when I saw Oscar in marching with the cancer survivors in a ceremony of celebration and remembrance. When the group made their second round, I joined my friend Oscar and walked and talked. Just a few months ago we were attending the same event a year later and Oscar was there. As I joined Oscar in our walk of celebration and remembrance Oscar shared that he had actually temporarily checked himself out of the hospital where he had been for the week just to support this cause. Oscar had changed, his body had diminished but his spirit had grown. It was with deep sorrow that I walked with this man who showed nothing but joy. As I hugged him and sent him on his way back to the hospital, sorrow was a feeling that I just couldn't shake.
Oscar passed away last week.
As an adult, I have come to realize that the profession that I have chosen is one in which I can not avoid the issues of life and death. I can not isolate myself from the kind of human contact that makes you feel deeply. Over the years, I have seen many a patient pass away, people that I have grown to know and love. While it is rare that the decisions I make on their behalf rarely have connotations of life and death, it is still undeniable that the impact that we have on each other through our time together has significant implications. I avoided a profession that involved emotional attatchment only to realize that it is sometimes the ability to feel for one another and be affected by one another that allows us to make professional decisions that are valued and appreciated. Getting to know my patient, understanding my patient, makes me a better Audiologist but more importantly, a better person, whose life is enriched by his patients.
